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What you are sadly and bravely describing with your question is being hope-blind. This despair-driven state blocks a person from accessing a positive future memory of a life without shame. The only way to break this log jammed self-loathing is by detoxifying your past memories, stripping them of every last bit of shame. But stuck people often lack both the optimism and energy to tackle that project. If this is where you find yourself, please believe this next sentence. You deserve an interpersonal jump-start to get the project started. Find someone who can temporarily donate to you the energy source needed to review a past incident or two that was shamed and, with their help, work to reject that specious indictment. Once you have practiced this step a few times in the warm company of a companion, you can try on your own to detoxify your past. If, however, you are still frozen by self-loathing after trying that, believe this: you deserve professional help. Please seek out a kind and skilled therapist.
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