Self-Construct

My Bad: A Complete Apology

Genuine confessions are irrevocable.

They do not permit crossing out,

nor cancelled passages,

nor secrets that are held back.

- Erich F. Podach

n a very real sense, an apology is a business transaction. When we make a mistake that affects someone else, we incur an interpersonal debt. If we’re wise, we acknowledge both the debt and the need to make amends. An apology clears the air and lays out the terms of the repayment process. To that end, an apology represents a contract designed to accomplish the following: assign responsibility, assess damage, clarify new intentions, pledge new behavior, ratify the contract and rebuild trust. An apology is clearly much more than just muttering the words “I’m sorry.” It should be as carefully crafted as any legally binding agreement.

Let’s look at each component of a complete and elegant apology:

Step One: assign responsibility. My bad. The first step in an effective apology contract is to clearly acknowledge the mistake by saying I did such and such. There is no room in this step for euphemisms, token admissions of accountability or efforts to minimize the effect of the transgression. A true apology starts with the honorable truth: I did this and I am in the wrong here. Examples of an effective first step would be: I interrupted you again; or, I said things that were simply untrue during our argument; or, I took money out of our account without telling you. Examples of hedging would be: I thought you were finished talking, so I started speaking. You made me so mad I lost my temper during our argument. I was going to tell you that I took some money out of our account.

Step Two: assess damage. I realize now how it hurt you. There needs to be a deep, empathic accounting of how the recipient of the apology was injured. The more concrete, specific and unadorned the description, the more restorative will be the apology. When someone has the maturity to enact this step, the awful perversion of an apology – “I’m sorry if something I did hurt you” – is avoided. Examples of an effective second step would be: My interrupting makes you feel like your thoughts aren’t important. When I use character assassination as a fighting strategy, it makes it hard for you to ever feel safe with me. You feel like I stole from you. Examples of ineffective second steps would be: You’re so sensitive about being interrupted. You know I don’t mean those hurtful things that I say during arguments. But remember, I earned the money that was in that account.

Step Three: clarify new intentions. I believe firmly that it was a mistake on my part and I don’t want to make those kinds of mistakes. Again, this is the time to own up to the deed and enunciate how, exactly, it was a mistake. Any attempt to dilute responsibility will nullify the entire apology. When done correctly, this step sends a strong message that you want to change your behavior because you don’t like to be hurtful to others and you earnestly seek to become an improved version of yourself. You are sending a very clear message to the other person: Because I know where I went wrong, I can be trusted to avoid that "where" in the future. Your intentions are to change for the better and you now know how to do that. Examples of an effective third step would be: I simply decided to speak over you. That was wrong and I don’t like myself when I arbitrarily decide what I am saying is more important than what another person is saying. I indulged in name-calling and I don’t want to be the kind of a person who will do anything to win an argument. I wanted some extra money without having to account to anyone, which is stealing, and I don’t want to be a thief. Examples of ineffective third steps would be: I didn’t realize I was interrupting, but I won’t do it anymore if it bothers you. You know I have a foul mouth, and, besides, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but I’ll stop the name calling. I thought I could put the money back before you noticed, but I promise I’ll pay it back now.

Step Four: pledge new behavior. I will not do it again. This is a pledge you are making to two people – to yourself and to the person whom you have wronged. If you are making the pledge to only the other person, the apology will not be robust because the motivation to change comes only from a sense of compliance with the wishes of the other. For someone to trust more fully in your credibility relative to this fourth step, you must clearly want to change your behavior for your own sense of accomplishment as well.

Step Five: ratify the contract. I am truly sorry. This is simply a fact that needs to be avowed with sincerity and profundity. I. Am. Truly. Sorry. Again, you must carefully enunciate these words as the fifth step of a contractual apology, then they will take on the heft of an informed consent. In other words, your remorse tells the other person that you are wholly prepared to pay what you owe them in full. Otherwise, the “I’m sorry” will be reduced to some proportional amount of the entitled whole and come out sounding like “I’m 65% sorry.” (Which, by the way, is okay if you are truly only 65% sorry. An honest representation of how you feel is always a better starting place for communication and intimacy than is a lie. But if this is the case, you are not making an apology contract, you are initiating an assessment of responsibility. Return to step one and discuss.)


	How should the receiver of an apology respond to the giver of that apology? That IS a good question. It is important for the receiver to remember that an apology is both a gift and an offering of a contract. As such, it makes sense to be a gracious receiver of an apology and also a strong participant in the composition of the contractual... More

It is important to point out here that the sentence “I owe you an apology.” is NOT an apology. It is an attempt to misdirect the conversation away from a true contract negotiation and it is a cop out. Imagine saying to the bank, "I owe you a house payment." and expecting that to be sufficient. Sounds pretty silly in that context, doesn't it? Yet folks consistently use that phrase to sidestep mature accountability. Don't accept that from others and, for heaven's sake, don't ever say it without following it instantly with a complete apology.

Step Six: rebuild trust. Now, behave better. Behavior change is a large bill in the currency of trust. In other words, when we improve our behavior we are establishing ourselves as trustworthy. Therefore, the final and most critical step in an apology is the establishment of new behavior. Obviously, we have no ability to speed up time, but we can certainly work to ensure that, as time passes, we make it count. To that end, we must remain true to the promises of the first five steps. We recycle through the words of the apology as necessary (the more awful the transgression, the more times we’ll need to go through the process) and we carefully maintain good behavior. This good behavior will contain some elements of penance or amends. Perhaps we agree to read a book on effective communication, go to therapy or pay the money back with hefty interest. And we are willing to be transparent enough to the injured party so that he or she can rest assured that we are behaving ourselves. Enough time must elapse without a misstep in order for both the victim and the perpetrator to have the confidence that the misconduct and the underlying factors that caused that misconduct have been remediated. This is one of the most difficult steps because it takes time and poise on the part of both participants to allow the interlude to pass.

Like with any psychological skill, there are many small but doable steps to making a thorough and graceful apology. If you work your way through them enough times, your brain will speed up the process until complete apologies simply flow from your honorable and well-trained intentions. And your experience will help you distinguish between the times when a quick “Sorry!” will suffice and the times when a deliberate conversation needs to occur.

Two final points.

If you find yourself as a parent or friend acknowledging inside that you owe someone an apology but are somehow unable to start the process, remember that it is not against the rules to initiate the process through the written word. Take the time to sit down, think through the process described above and craft a thorough apology. And sometimes a sweet little apology text is just what the relationship doctor ordered.

Apologies are also not a tit-for-tat reality. In other words, we do not withhold a needed apology because the other person has been stingy with their apologies to us. If we can remember that mental health is contagious, i.e. good behavior begets good behavior, we can donate consistent good behavior to others in our lives who matter to us. It may take some time and courage, but eventually the other person will rise to our example.

Now, please don’t confuse the length of this article with the importance of this interpersonal skill. Our Western, patriarchal culture consistently presents us with few examples of sound apologetic behavior. In fact, it could be said that the dominant culture is apology phobic. Never apologize, never explain. A very small-minded way to go through life. If you have read much of this website, you will recognize that one through line is this: both existentialism and feminism trumpet the belief that we can all be bigger versions of ourselves if we allow difficult truths to enter into our belief system. We do this when we eschew the easy answers offered by that patriarchal culture. Life is difficult. Apologizing is difficult. But, as the existentialists remind us, we are designed to handle difficult truths. And as the feminists remind us, we can do difficult things when we have the support of a community.

A note to parents

Sad to say, many parents unwittingly derail their children’s developmental process when it comes to learning about the intricacies of making an apology. They do so through two tremendously damaging habits.

First, they force children to apologize when the child doesn’t feel sorry. When a three-year-old steals a toy from a playmate, they are not sorry. They are happy that they have gotten what they want – the toy. To demand that the child express a sacred apology when they are anything but sorry is to contaminate the process with lies. As a child matures and has at least a minimal ability to feel empathy (usually around 8 years old), parents can then begin the process of connecting poor behavior on the part of the child with the need to understand how it was damaging to another. And then parents can make a case for the need to apologize. But to train a kid to knee-jerk a bitter “I’m sorry” with every childlike misstep is to teach them a travesty of an apology. In fact, the act of forcing a kid to present another kid with an apology could be described as punishment. How completely backward this lesson is. No wonder most of us struggle to apologize when we grow up. We associate it with standing there, shame-faced and miserable. When Littles misbehave, then, it is better by far to simply correct the behavior and wait to teach apology skills after the tykes can feel empathy.

Second, many, many parents fear that they will lose power or credibility if they apologize to their children. Because this is an area where modeling is absolutely mandatory, parents who focus on saving face will rob their kids of both seeing a template for apologizing and being on the lovely, receiving end of an apology – which, of course, plants the seeds for their emerging empathy. I have seen countless parent/child relationships destroyed by the adults’ inability to present their child with a heartfelt apology. Or in my mind, worse, to extend an apology and then steal it away with a justification. If you remember the five tasks of parenting, you will remember that taking the job seriously and holding yourself accountable are the first two tasks. There is no overstating how important they are over the entire span of the parent/child relationship. Please believe me when I tell you that these two critical parental attitudes will never manifest to any believable level if the adults cannot apologize when necessary. Full stop.

Just as I’ve seen terrible damage done by parents unable to apologize, I’ve also witnessed the joyful release and healing that an apology can precipitate between parent and child – no matter the age of the "child" or how old the wound. It is pretty, damn miraculous.

This bears repeating

It is never “if.” It is always “that.”

When you start an apology with “If this thing I did hurt you…” the message you are sending is that there may or may not be a need to issue a remediation contract. Further implication being that the “victim” is perhaps a bit wimpy and the “perp” was just misunderstood.

When you start an apology with “I’m sorry that this thing I did hurt you…” on the other hand, you are making a clear and present acknowledgment of your responsibility and an empathic recognition of the damage you caused.

So unless you want to insult someone with an “if,” please use “that.”

In conclusion

Apologies are marvelous little business deals. When all the pieces are in place and set in motion, the person who receives the apology understands several things: the perpetrator is truly sorry, there was no personal intent to harm the receiver of the apology, the offensive behavior will stop, and, perhaps most importantly, the person receiving the apology is worthy because the other person is trying to change partly for them. The person giving the apology understands: making a mistake isn’t fatal, making a true apology feels good and perhaps most importantly, the person giving the apology is worthy because the other person is willing to give them time to demonstrate positive change.

When a complete apology is given and received, there is an excellent likelihood that trust can be built within the relationship. It takes effort and practice to enact an effective and authentic mea culpa, but when one can, the miracle of greater intimacy naturally follows So does forgiveness.